Guess Which of My Little Leaguers...

...swatted a surefire single to centerfield, only to be thrown out at first base.

...claims to throw FIVE different pitches.

...has run more disciplinary laps than everyone else on the team combined.

...has overrun second and third base more than everyone else in organized baseball combined.

...is, inexplicably, the only player on the team who knows how to slide.

...sobbed softly in the dugout during a recent 10-0 win because he didn't get to pitch.

...hasn't had a hit all season.

...has thrown more than 25% of the team's total innings pitched and just returned from a strained bicep.

...calls me "sir", instead of "coach".

...gave up five runs in 1/3 of an inning after demanding to know if he'll EVER pitch again.

The LL Chronicles #26: Six Games Into the Season...

I've often said that it's the adults who make Little League baseball infinitely more difficult than the kids. So, you'd better believe I'm proud to announce MY contribution to the usual chaos and confusion.  As the 2013 Little League season approached, I had to determine where my nine-year-old son Jalen would play. 

J could stay in the 8-10-year-old division called "Farm".  This is where he played last year, holding his own with the stick and as a regular pitcher.  Or, he could move up to the 9-11-year-old level called "Minors" -- ostensibly a more competitive division that sits one spot below Little League's apex echelon, "Majors".  I hemmed and hawed in the weeks leading up to spring sign-ups and beyond, listing both divisions on J's paperwork and wrecking havoc on the league's aging, TRS-80-supported player database. 

After receiving unsolicited counsel from several other managers -- who crafted their one-size-fits-all advice around the same weather-worn opening line, "If he was MY son..." followed by two seconds of silence to presumably build dramatic effect before dispensing their predictable advice after the ellipse -- I opted to bring Jalen up to Minors.

 

 

 

 

Tryouts were held in mid-January and the player draft was two weeks later.  My Athletics team (yes, AGAIN) looked especially young on paper -- with four 9-year-olds and just one 11-year-old. But, we appeared to offer some decent depth in both the lineup and pitching staff; albeit without any of the "man-amongst-boys" behemoths whose talent belies their birth certificates. 

We practiced throughout the month of February and after an unusually-scheduled bye on Little League Opening Day, we played our first game: 

"12-4 loss in Little League opener, highlighted by my son seeing a curveball for 1st time. Ended as hilariously & tearfully as you'd expect." -- from my Twitter feed, March 9 

I handed the opening starting pitching assignment to our oldest, most experienced player -- a tall, lanky 11-year-old named Jordan. He initially struggled with his control, but settled down to strike out five in a row at one point.  He left with a 3-1 lead.  After telling him that he wouldn't be pitching earlier in the evening, I changed my mind and brought Jalen into the game.  When the inning ended, we were suddenly down 6-3. 

J only gave up one hard hit ball in the inning.  Everything else could be laid at the feet (...and through the legs...and under the gloves) of our Vaudevillian defense.  And, it wasn't entirely errors.  Here's a quick in-game conversation between me and my third baseman: 

Me: "Seth! The bases are loaded. If it comes to you, just step on third!" 

Seth: "OK!" 

[The very...next...pitch is a groundball to third base.] 

Seth: [Picks up ball, makes lollipop toss towards first base, ball lands softly on pitcher's mound just inches from an incredulous Jalen...] 

Rest of Team: [Audible, but indecipherable cacophony of criticism directed at Seth. Constructive, I presume.] 

Later in the game, we would run ourselves out of not one, but TWO separate innings when my baserunners lost track of the number of outs.  Even the umpires got in on the act when one of my players avoided a tag at home plate only to be called out. 

Me: "Where did the catcher tag him?" 

12-year-old umpire: "Ummm...he stepped on home plate?" 

Me: "But, it wasn't a force play." 

Umpire: "Uh..." 

Obnoxious parent of player on the other team: [From behind the backstop] "THE RUNNER WAS OUT OF THE BASELINE!" 

Umpire: "Uh...the runner was out of the baseline." 

Me: "..." 

== 

"Heart-stopping 10-9 walk-off win for my son's Little League team tonite. Our 1st win! My son's reaction: 'Aww, I went 0 for 2.' Team player!" -- from Twitter, March 13 

Trailing by one run as we entered the bottom of the sixth and final inning, we were fortunate to have the top of our batting order coming up.  My leadoff hitter is a thickly-built 10-year-old catcher straight out of the Moneyball methodology.  He started us off by tomahawking an opposite-field single to right.  Up next was Bennett -- a talented 9-year-old who skipped the Farm level altogether.  He's a terrific little hitter whose concentration needs an occasional nudge. 

Me: "OK, Bennett. We've got one on and nobody out.  If you get your pitch, put a good swing on it." 

Bennett: "If I get my pitch, I'm gonna kill it, coach." 

Jesus!  True to his word, last rites rang off the left field wall as Bennett tripled home his excruciatingly s-l-o-w footed teammate to tie the game.  Bennett scored on a check-swing infield dribbler to win it.  To his credit, Jalen led the spontaneous walk-off celebration and waited until we'd ALMOST gotten back to the car before expressing his selfish lament.  So...progress.

 

 

 

== 

"16-11 loss in Little League. Didn't let fact we were missing 2 of our best players stop me from yelling at kids over teams' lack of effort!" -- from Twitter, March 16 

My 10-year-old catcher who runs with a pair of pianos strapped to his back?  Out with shin splints, natch.  My stone-faced clean-up hitter?  In-season(!) family vacation.  Despite the losses on offense, we were matching run-for-run with one of the better teams in our division -- which made our half-assed effort in the field and on the basepaths even more inexcusable. 

I've been managing in Little League long enough to expect these games once per season.  They're immediately followed by a postgame meeting in which I unleash a little kid-friendly Jim Leyland (NSFW!)  Up until now, my teams had been blown out in these effort-free affairs.  On this day, a win was within our reach, so I made my speech in the middle of the game, between innings.  It included ALL the classic lyrics, like... 

"All I ask [pause] is that you guys TRY!" 

"If you guys don't wanna play hard, then why am I here?  WHY AM I HERE?" 

[Chorus] "Hustling is the EASY part!" x4 

And, we still lost the game.  Next time, I'll auto-tune the chorus. 

== 

"Son's Little League team blew 8-0 lead & lost 12-11. If you need me, I'll be ensuring all my players WALK home & go to bed without dinner." -- from Twitter, March 19

This one STUNG.  And, the pain was exacerbated two days later by the father of one of my players.  In a long, rambling e-mail, he asked if I could make the game "more fun" for his son.  Somewhere in chapter 16 of his missive, he not-so-subtly mentioned that he previously played minor league baseball and helpfully offered up the same basic pointers ("...have the hitters rotate their hips..." and "...get the head of the bat in front of the plate...") that EVERY youth coach knows and parrots.  The publicity blurb on the back of this e-mail's imaginary book jacket would be "THE MOST CONDESCENDING READ OF THE YEAR!" 

Fortunately, I trashed my original reply ("Don't worry. Your son's got the same chance of making the Major Leagues as you.") and respectfully invited Crash Davis to come out to a practice and dispense his "fun" blend of pedantic wisdom and "Baseball Annie" anecdotes to ALL of the kids.  It's been 10 days. I'm still waiting for his response. 

== 

"Little League team wins 14-4, bouncing back from worst loss ever. Per agreement, I'm returning players' Friday lunch money to each of them." -- from Twitter, March 21 

Earlier this month, Jalen and I were having breakfast before I took him to school.  The conversation centered on catching and my son's newfound affinity for the position. 

Jalen: "Do you think I'll get most of the starts at catcher when the season starts?" 

Me: "Nah, probably not."

Jalen: "Why not?"

Me: "Because you're not a good catcher, J."

In the past, I've been able to honestly assess my son's baseball shortcomings and he'd respond with mock indignation or a playful "Hey!" before trying -- almost always successfully -- to tackle my frail, emaciated frame to the ground.  This time, however, his response wasn't what I'd call "playful". 

"I'm not a good catcher?" 

It's been nearly a month and I still feel awful about it.  The worst part is that I think he was less hurt by the criticism than by the fact it came from his greatest baseball advocate.  I immediately backpedalled by belatedly -- and clumsily -- adding context to my comment: 

"Well, J...y'know...you've gotta work on blocking balls in the dirt and...y'know, you gotta have a quick release back there...I mean, it's a tough position.  And, I like you more at shortstop.  I thought you LIKED playing shortstop?  DON'T YOU LIKE SHORTSTOP?!" 

Fortunately, I had enough flop sweat left over to marinate the crow my son would serve me once the season began.  In our second game, Jalen -- who'd stayed home from school with a cold the day before -- ended up catching four of the six innings and tagged a runner out at home.  In our third game, he threw out a runner at third base and in this 14-4 win, he threw out a runner trying to steal second. 

After six games, J's played more innings at the position than anyone on the team. 

He's a good catcher.

== 

"Little League team scored 21 runs today, but the big story was son's reaction to getting stung by bee for 1st time." -- from Twitter, March 23 

Here's his reaction. 

He's not good at getting stung by bees.

2013 NFL Pickery -- Super Bowl XLVII

With this year's six-win margin, m'man Joe Reid won our seventh annual NFL Pickery.  After I picked up wins in the first three seasons, Joe has run the goddam board for four straight years.  We're back for the Super Bowl, but if you can't get enough of Joe, you can find him hanging out on more important websites than mine. 

That's right.  I know people.

 

San Francisco (-3) vs. Baltimore 

Joe: Okay, first of all, none of you have any reason to believe me, but I had the Ravens picked as the AFC representative in the Super Bowl from the beginning of the playoffs and would have picked them happily with those crazy point spreads against the Broncos and Patriots. But, again, you have no cause to believe me there, so let's move on to rooting interest:

I have no good reason for why I don't hate Ray Lewis more than I do. I probably should. He maybe killed a guy? He certainly obstructed justice by covering up the truth, but seeing as I finished a hundred or so credits shy of my degree in criminal justice, I don't tend to get hung up on it. It's not like I like the guy, but I've become way too desensitized to athletes dancing around to be bothered by something like that. Also, the Jesus stuff is SO over-the-top that I actually find it hilarious. He ends up looking so crazy that the sportscasters (almost always the biggest cause for annoyance in sports) can't even rhapsodize his faith, like they do with Tebow. It's just Ray acting like a lunatic, and then it's back to the studio hosts who are all, "Certainly an ... emotional day for Ray Lewis." They actually don't know how to talk about it.

Meanwhile, there's just so much to hate about the 49ers. Starting with the fact that their fans spontaneously regained the ability to be smug monsters in the last six weeks. Dormant 18 years, they're back! And they're awful! And then there's Jim Harbaugh, who ... I get it, if you like the Niners, Harbaugh's a savior, and all his obnoxious behavior becomes endearing. But what's everybody else's excuse for tolerating this jackass's bullshit for one second? This crap is as funny as the Ray Lewis God stuff, I guess, but it bugs me way more. Maybe that's just my problem. What's not just my problem? 49ers homophobia! Congratulations, Chris Culliver, you win the Media Week Soundbite Trophy! Look, I understand that the reality of pro football (and most of pro sports) is that 85% of the athletes on all teams probably hate my ass just for being me, but when this is the public face of the Niners and this is the public face of the Ravens, my already-Ravens-leaning loyalties get set in stone.

As for who's GOING to win? ...Yeah, probably the Niners. They've been the best team all season, probably, albeit one with a weird vulnerability to the St. Louis Rams. Pick: San Francisco 31, Baltimore 23

 

Aaron: It's hard for me to remember a Super Bowl in which my the potential for glorious schadenfreude outweighed any rooting interest.  Oh, I suppose it would be nice to see the 49ers players hoist the Lombardi Trophy under a maelstrom of confetti and the sanctimonious specter of James Brown's swollen bee-stung mug.  Similarly, I'd have no problem with the much-maligned Joe Flacco -- "He once called himself 'the best' quarterback in the league without waiting for OUR endorsement?! GET HIM!", Sportswriters Everywhere  -- begrudgingly feted by his disproportionately large number of detractors. 

It's just that...yeah, everything else. 

49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick is the most compelling player on the field, but instead of appreciating him for his cannon arm and Randall Cunningham legs, we have to turn his story into a national debate on adoption?  This is why I don't watch any Super Bowl coverage between the conference championship games and 3:18 PM on the first Sunday in February.  And, I still can't escape it. 

Joe and I didn't pick any of the playoff games this season, but if we had, I might not have won a game.  Trust me...I was wrong on EVERYTHING.  I had Peyton Manning and the Broncos playing today.  I was sure the Green Bay Packers were getting healthy at juuuuust the right time.  Two weeks ago, I joined the chorus of voices that called for a San Francisco win.  The dynamic offense!  The underrated defense!   The genius/jerkface Jim Harbaugh! 

But, isn't it possible that -- at SOME point -- the experience wins out?  Flacco has spent his career going 15 12 10?...is it 10 rounds now in boxing?...10 rounds with very good-to-great Pittsburgh teams during the regular season and traded season-ending blows with the Patriots in the playoffs.  The Ravens' defense isn't what its decade-old reputation would have you believe, but it doesn't have to be to defeat a 49ers team that's ran the gamut from "Super Bowl team" to "0-1-1 against the St. Louis Rams".  Pick: Baltimore 28, San Francisco 27 

The Walk-Off and the Save

My eight-year-old son Jalen turns nine in less than a week. 

Earlier this week, while driving J to school, he BEGGED me to stop singing along with Michael Jackson's Billie Jean when it came on Sirius XM's '80s station.* "You're embarrassing me!", he shouted from the confines of the back seat. Jalen's "no singing" edict followed his unilateral implementation of a temporary restraining order against me – an unwritten, unspoken agreement that requires ten paces of separation between my son and I when I'm walking him to his classroom in the morning. 

* -- Recently, while we watched "Ghostbusters II", Jalen was similarly (and inexplicably!) unimpressed as I sang along with Bobby Brown's "On Our Own" anthem. I couldn't believe it. Nearly 25 years after its release, I was still able to nail EVERY lyric. That's better than Bobby Brown could claim roughly one year later at the 1990 MTV Video Music Awards. 

I first remember feeling a bit of figurative separation with Jalen late last spring. I'd meticulously planned a father-son weekend in San Francisco with two tickets to a ballgame in Oakland as the admittedly predictable main event. Seats directly behind the Athletics' dugout! When I excitedly broke the news to Jalen, he responded with the equivalent of a verbal shrug ("OK") and quickly returned his attention to our living room television. 

Leading up to our flight on the first Saturday in July, Jalen seemed unaffected by all of the things that usually elicit inquisitive 6:00 AM wake-up calls from him, like "Who do you think the A's starting pitcher will be?" or "When we get on the BART train, can we ask the driver to go 100 miles per hour?" or "Do kids still get to run the bases after the game?"
 

And, Jalen has flown so many times that he's no longer even awed by airplanes. Instead, like the cynical beaten-down business traveler, he reserves what little emotion he can muster for expressing contempt towards his perpetual placement in the middle seat. 

 

We arrived in the city on one of San Francisco's typically frigid summer afternoons. And, like clockwork, I managed to lose my bearings on the two-block walk from the BART station to our hotel. At 4'4", Jalen is a full four inches shorter than my wife, but he inherited every ounce of her "know-it-all-ism". 

"Can't you use your phone to find the hotel?" 

"Mom's phone has GPS to find places. Do you want me to see if your phone has GPS, Dad?" 

"[Exasperated sigh] What's the NAME of the hotel, Dad? I'll just look up at all the buildings until we find it."

 

After a few minutes of relentlessly walking in circles, we found our hotel. That evening, we met one of my oldest friends and his family for dinner at Farmer Brown – a nouveau soul food spot in Union Square. I'm pleased to report that I didn't regret one drop of the four Mason Street Manhattan cocktails I sucked down. Not until 12 hours later, at least. 

Jalen: "Dad? Are you throwing up because you had too much to drink last night?" 

Me: "Probably." 

Jalen: "Should we call mom?" 

Me: "DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER."

I had hoped to sober up with the terrific breakfast served at the Taylor Street Coffee Shop, but by 8:00 AM, there was a line out the door. Thankfully, two bacon, egg and cheese biscuits from Burger King cured what ailed me. Our only full father/son day in the Bay Area was off to a rocky start – which is to be expected when you promise your son the platter-sized pancakes that only a greasy spoon can produce and deliver a convenience store chocolate donut, instead. 

So, it was up to the A's game. An entire weekend built around enjoying each other's company hinged on the occasionally tedious style that's occasionally associated with the American League. A's versus Mariners! Two teams that finished a combined 42 games under .500 the previous season! 

Out of the corner of my eye, I sized Jalen up for any sign that indicated he was having a good time. As we traversed the overpass towards the ballpark, J exuded the indifferent aura of "high school cool". In years past, I watched him nearly knock people over as he speed-walked his way into a Spring Training game. Now, with the A's showing signs of life in the mid-season standings AND a throwback Oakland Oaks cap giveaway, J's gait reminded me of mine on a Monday morning after a three-day weekend. 

Our oddly detached day even extended into the grotesquely overpriced team store. After one lap around the suffocating, shoebox-sized shop, Jalen has usually asked for $500 worth of merchandise – that's up to THREE things! – but, nothing caught my kid's eye. What I would've given to have my old, excitable eight-year-old back. If he and I could no longer irrationally bond over baseball, I don't know what I'd do. Yes, it's melodramatic. But, it's also my favorite thing in the world to share with my son. 

As we trudged off towards our seats, I silently hoped for at least an entertaining game. Maybe that would reanimate the pocket-sized chocolate-brown corpse beside me. 

"Dad! I think Ryan Cook is signing autographs!" 

For those of you who don't know, Ryan Cook was the A's lone All-Star representative last season and, briefly, the team's closer. He was stationed at the end of the A's dugout and dutifully signing for anyone in the vicinity. Personally, I was just glad to see Jalen finally…

"Dad! Did you bring a baseball that I can get signed?!"

 

 

 

In the blink of an eye, J had worked his way towards the front of the small mob that had formed in front of Cook. And, from a distance not much farther than your computer screen is from your face, J politely asked the All-Star, "Ryan Cook, could you please sign my ball? I'm a pitcher, too!" 

Whew. Now, I could exhale. 

But, wait! The Mariners were starting Felix Hernandez on the mound – one of the best pitchers in the game and a notorious Athletics killer. The Cook autograph would keep J happy for a few innings, but a reappearance of Oakland's somnambulant offense could quickly ruin the mood. 

With the score tied 1-1 in the bottom of the eighth inning, Oakland's Chris Carter tapped a foul ball down the third base line that was scooped up by third base coach – and my 37th favorite Athletics player of all time – Mike Gallego. Jalen stood up and leaned out over the dugout roof in Gallego's direction, but Gallego's underhand toss towards J's outstretched glove was short by about three feet. The ball ricocheted away and rolled into the section of seats on our left. 

I was more bummed than my son, but there was no time to feel sorry for him. I'm not being callous. It's just that I really had to use the bathroom. There was a young woman and her father sitting next to us who I'd been chatting up throughout the game. They offered to keep an eye on Jalen while I was gone. Hey, if you can't trust two strangers in the fourth most dangerous city in America…

When I returned, Jalen was holding what I thought was the baseball that he'd gotten autographed earlier in the afternoon. 

Me: "Be careful with that ball, J. You don't want to smudge the autograph." 

Jalen: "This is a new ball. Mike Gallego gave it to me." 

Me: "Mike Gallego gave it to you? When? Just now?!"

Young Woman Next to Us: "Yep! He came out of the dugout and tossed him a ball! I had to get your son's attention, but the coach tossed it and your son caught it!"

 

 

 

 

Well, then. Don't YOU feel bad for harboring those "stranger danger" thoughts a few sentences ago? Also…if you're going to tell my wife about this post, could you not START with the whole "…left my son with strangers…" thing? Thanks! 

The A's and Mariners remained tied until the bottom of the 13th inning when Josh Reddick drove home Jemile Weeks after four hours of great baseball. It had been a l-o-n-g afternoon, but any time with my son is a good time – even if he IS getting older and won't be a child forever. 

Jalen: "Do kids still get to run the bases after the game?" 

Me: "You wanna run the bases? 

Jalen: "Yeah!" 

Me: "Let's go."

2012 NFL Pickery -- Week #17

Last Week

Joe: 12-4

Aaron: 12-4

Current Standings

Joe: 157-80-1

Aaron: 146-90-1

Tampa Bay at Atlanta

Aaron: The Falcons have wrapped up the NFC #1 seed in the playoffs, so I doubt their starters will see much action.  On a related note, the Buccaneers haven't shown up since before Thanksgiving.  (Hey, it's been a long season. I'm allowed ONE Jay Leno-esque joke this week, yes?)  Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Oh, wait, did we all forget to have that tedious conversation about whether the Falcons are cheating their fans by sitting their starters? Pick: Atlanta

NY Jets at Buffalo

Aaron: I don't know what's true and what's not. But, I'm rooting for this Tim Tebow heel turn to continue this week and through the offseason -- with an NWO-era Hollywood Hulk Hogan beard and an interview tour that draws heavily on The Rock's infamous, incredulous "Die Rocky Die" promo.  Pick: Buffalo

Joe: Whoever starts for the Jets this week, can they just do me a solid and beat the Bills so that I can at least look forward to a top-5 draft pick? Pick: NY Jets

Baltimore at Cincinnati

Aaron: The Bengals are currently the sixth seed in the AFC playoffs and will be playing on the road next week against one of the division champions.  So, I'll go back to inexplicably picking against them in seven days.  Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: The Bengals are certainly playing better more consistently these days. But that was a good, solid win the Ravens had over the Giants last week. I think they pull this one out too. Pick: Baltimore

Chicago at Detroit

Aaron: For Chicago to make the playoffs, the Bears need to win here and hope Minnesota loses to Green Bay.  Sounds like an awful lot of good fortune considering the storm cloud that perpetually follows Jay Cutler's pouty frown around.  Pick: Chicago

Joe: Detroit is riding an incredibly sad first-to-worst trajectory that can't possibly be redeemed even by knocking a division rival out of the playoffs. But they might as well give it a try. Pick: Detroit

Jacksonville at Tennessee

Aaron: The 2-13 Jaguars remain in contention for the first pick in next year's draft. They've already defeated the Titans earlier this season, so a win here does nothing for no one.  Kind of like Maggie in the "Lisa on Ice" episode of The Simpsons just before she catches the beer bottle that was hurtling towards Homer's head.  If only she were real, eh, Jacksonville?  Pick: Tennessee

Joe: Hard to imagine how Jacksonville's season could have gone downhill so steeply after losing their only good player to injury. Pick: Tennessee

Houston at Indianapolis

Aaron: There are unquestionably more grotesque stories in the news this holiday season, but let's find a way to give an honorable mention to the Arian Foster fantasy owners who groused about his unavailability last week -- due to an irregular heartbeat -- in relation to their fantasy playoff prospects.  Pick: Houston

Joe: New Year's Eve Eve in Indianapolis! Just like Irving Berlin wrote about! Pick: Houston

Carolina at New Orleans

Aaron: Let's recap: earlier in the season Panthers QB Cam Newton was getting nonsensically crushed for bad body language on the sideline and in postgame interviews.  Last week, he deliberately bumped the referee in a game against one of the league's worst teams and now he's nonsensically hailed as "intense" and a "team leader"?  Got it.  Pick: New Orleans

Joe: Football fans are kind of the worst. Meanwhile, what a sad 8-8 season for the Saints this will have been. Bounties and punishments and injuries and 5-interception games. Their NFL Films highlight video is just going to be the Drew Brees/One Direction ad over and over again. Pick: New Orleans

Philadelphia at NY Giants

Aaron: Remember that scene in Major League where Roger Dorn defends his refusal to dive for a ball by explaining how he's not going to put himself at physical risk for his teammates ("a bunch of stiffs") when he's so close to free agency?  Yeah, that'll be Michael Vick filling in for Corbin Bernsen this week.  Pick: NY Giants

Joe: And so begins Project Don't Let the Bills Sign Michael Vick. Pick: NY Giants

Cleveland at Pittsburgh

Aaron: The chasm between QB Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers coaching staff is going to come to a head very soon.  Head coach Mike Tomlin looks increasingly overrated -- more "motivator" than Xs and Os coach.  His resume is impressive, even if all of the success was sustained years ago, so he's got all the qualifications to be an Oakland Raiders employee by 2014.  Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: Well, we've already got the Steelers knocked out of the playoffs. Maybe we can go in for a losing record as well? Pick: Cleveland

Arizona at San Francisco

Aaron: At home and against an inferior opponent, the 49ers will probably hang 50+ points as some sort of "response" to their humiliating defeat last week.  Good.  Hopefully, this reminds America why we should be united in rooting against them when the playoffs start.  Pick: San Francisco

Joe: Really excited to see how Niners QB Chris Kirkpatrick fares in the upcoming playoffs. Pick: San Francisco

St. Louis at Seattle

Aaron: The transformation of Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll from laughingstock of the NFL coaching ranks into this affable, smirking genius isn't all that remarkable.  In fact, baseball fans like me saw it when incompetent Texas Rangers manager Bobby Valentine landed in Queens.  If this ends with Carroll ruining New England sometime in 2022, I'll wait it out.  Pick: Seattle

Joe: So who decided it was a good idea to feed the Seattle Seahawks after midnight? Huh? The cryptic, weird Asian "celestial" stereotype at the curio shop SPECIFICALLY said not to! Pick: Seattle

Oakland at San Diego

Aaron: And, so...just 48 hours after Raiders head coach Dennis Allen went on record criticizing back-up QB Terrelle Pryor's practice habits, knowledge of the playbook and grasp of fundamentals...Pryor was announced as the starter here. NO ONE doubts it was owner Mark Davis who made the call in response to loud, know-nothing fans who thought QB Carson Fucking Palmer should've had this team playing in February. Honestly, you guys.  Been a fan since I was seven years old.  But, this shit...  Pick: San Diego

Joe: Okay, ONE more win for Norv Turner. But that's it! In other news, Project Don't Let the Bills Hire Norv Turner. Pick: San Diego

Green Bay at Minnesota

Aaron: With the single-season rushing record within reach, Vikings RB Adrian Peterson will rack up a kajillion carries and everyone on the field knows it.  Also, predictable?  ESPN.com's Bill Simmons will make a kajillion references to "Tecmo Bo Jackson" about it on his podcast come Monday.  Pick: Minnesota

Joe: Come on, Packers. If you can't get up for spitefully denying a hated rival a spot in the playoffs, what can you get up for? Pick: Green Bay

Miami at New England

Aaron: I always look forward to the "warm-weather team plays in cold weather" narrative.  The one that dutifully ignores the fact that NO ONE likes playing in cold weather and the fans who pay to sit outside in these temperatures are crazy people and shouldn't be romanticized.  Pick: New England

Joe: I ATTENDED THE COLDEST BUFFALO BILLS GAME ON RECORD AND SAT ON METAL BLEACHERS TO DO SO AND LIKED IT. (Beat the Jeff Hostetler-led Raiders, as I recall.) Pick: New England

Kansas City at Denver

Aaron: Any team that steadfastly sticks with QB Brady Quinn has clearly stopped giving any expletives, whatsoever -- a sh*t, a f*ck, a sh*tf*ck. Take your pick.  Pick: Denver

Joe: Oh, Denver. Taking an 11-game win streak into the playoffs. Enjoy that divisional-round home loss. Pick: Denver

Dallas at Washington

Aaron: Is it possible to bet on where Redskins QB Robert Griffin III will rank when the first fantasy football projections come out next summer?  Overall top five, right?  Third behind Adrian Peterson and Arian Foster?  And, will his 2013 performance be impacted by his inevitable "Madden 14" cover?  Can we bet on this?!  Pick: Washington

Joe: The NFC East can't be decided this cleanly, can it? Pick: Dallas

2012 NFL Pickery -- Week #16

Last Week

Joe: 13-2

Aaron: 7-9

Current Standings

Joe: 145-76-1

Aaron: 136-86-1

Atlanta at Detroit (Saturday)

Aaron: Oh, of course. I started Lions QB Matt Stafford during the first round of my big-money league fantasy playoffs last week.  After putting up solid numbers over the past three weeks, he gave me six goddam points against the execrable Cardinals when I needed him the most.  When my eight-year-old son asks why there are no presents under the Christmas tree, I'm going to show him a picture of YOUR FAT FACE, STAFFORD.  Pick: Atlanta

Joe: I don't want to talk about him anymore. I should probably feel bad for Detroit fans, having been teased with a playoff team last year only to have it cruelly yanked away. But between Stafford and the fact that seemingly every week I went up against Mike Leshoure who scored as many touchdowns are he possibly could and still have the Lions lose ... let's say my sympathy has been drained. Pick: Atlanta

Oakland at Carolina

Aaron: My Raiders insist that third-string QB Terrelle Pryor will see some opportunities this week in third down situations and in the red zone.  Y'know, because when you're 4-10 and have scored the sixth fewest points in the league, you entrust the offense to the long-term project who's been on the field for three plays in his two-year NFL career.  Pick: Carolina

Joe: Carolina is pulling the old Bills trick of pulling a 7-9 season out of a terrible start and sabotaging any prospects to improve through the draft. Well done! Pick: Carolina

New Orleans at Dallas

Aaron: Pretty sure it was preordained that the 2012 NFC East would end in a spectacular clusterfuck heading into the final week, so I'll pick accordingly.  Pick: Dallas

Joe: What do you think goes through Jerry Jones's mind when he looks at the Saints, a team whose season was deep-sixed by the commissioner's office (or so the outrage goes). Does he feel like the career bank-robber who's been on the run his whole life looking at someone get popped? Pick: Dallas

Tennessee at Green Bay

Aaron: While the Packers seem to be getting healthy at juuust the right time, the nitpicky cynic in me can't help but point out that they've allowed most of their 2012 opponents to keep the score close all season.  They'll be a fascinating storyline in January.  Less so against the continued collection of cream puffs, cakes and éclairs they'll squeak by in December.  Pick: Green Bay

Joe: By the NY Giants theory of lying in the NFC weeds, the Packers would seem to have their opponents right where they want them. Pick: Green Bay

Indianapolis at Kansas City

Aaron: Soon-to-be-fired Chiefs head coach Romeo Crennel is going to be handsomely paid for the final two years of the three-year contract he signed prior to the 2012 season.  His career record is 28-53. If this isn't a specific Republican presidential candidate talking point in 2016, I'll be disappointed.  Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: Not that this game is important enough to warrant it, but you know those mayoral wagers where the mayor of Kansas City will send a case of BBQ to the mayor of Indianapolis, who in turn sends to the mayor of Kansas City ... what? Miniature Formula One cars? Parks and Recreation DVDs? Pick: Indianapolis

Buffalo at Miami

Aaron: NOW, it occurs to me that I've been picking the Bills with much more frequency than the guy who actually roots for them.  I'm beginning to think Joe knows something I don't.  Pick: Miami

Joe: Well, great. SKYNET has become self-aware. Pick: Miami

San Diego at NY Jets

Aaron: It's probably not a good sign in the short-term that in the same week third-string QB Greg McElroy is named the starter for the Jets, there are reports that the team will pursue Michael Vick for their quarterback spot in 2013.  Oh, Jets.  Don't ever change.  Pick: San Diego

Joe: I still think we've seen Norv Turner's last win for the Chargers. Pick: NY Jets

Washington at Philadelphia

Aaron: Let's slow down on all the "Washington has TWO good quarterbacks" claptrap, America.  Backup QB Kirk Cousins is the quintessential second-stringer -- unspectacularly competent -- who's coming off a win against Cleveland.  Cleveland.  The Redskins could start Cousins OR a recovering Robert Griffin III this week.  The Eagles are worthy of the same condescending italics.  Pick: Washington

Joe: I've been home for Christmas for 25 hours now, and I've already got family members clamoring for Andy Reid (my brother's namesake, of course) to be the next Bills head coach. Somebody bright-side this for me.  Pick: Washington

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh

Aaron: The Steelers were outcoached two weeks ago against the Chargers and outplayed last week against the Cowboys.  While it's FAR too soon to welcome Pittsburgh's Mike Tomlin into the pantheon of incompetent black head coaches; Art Shell, Dennis Green, Ray Rhodes, Raheem Morris and Herm Edwards are monitoring the situation.  Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: This Christmas, let's give the Steelers the gift of a January vacation, hmm? Pick: Cincinnati

St. Louis at Tampa Bay

Aaron: The Buccaneers still sport the top-ranked defense against the run AND the worst defense against the pass.  Since the Rams offense still goes through RB Steven Jackson and the Bucs are at home and they're probably still pissed over last week's 41-0 loss to New Orleans and...etc.  Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe: Whereas I think the Bucs have lost it. LOST IT! Scientific finding! Pick: St. Louis

New England at Jacksonville

Aaron: Seems unfair that it's the Patriots who are the only team to receive two byes this season, but after last week's heavyweight fight against the 49ers, I suppose it's defensible. Pick: New England

Joe: Really annoyed that last week's near-comeback against the Niners gave Pats fans the bright side of proof that running up the score is necessary. Even when they lose they win. Pick: New England

Minnesota at Houston

Aaron: Surprised to learn the Vikings (with RB Adrian Peterson) and Texans (with RB Arian Foster) only rank fourth and fifth, respectively, in rushing offense.  OK, so the three teams ahead of them (Washington, San Francisco and Seattle) have quarterbacks who can run, but keep this bit of trivia in your back pocket. Use it to chase off the sports-hating relatives after Christmas dinner.  Pick: Houston

Joe: Once again, we're still not talking enough about Adrian Peterson. I know this because someone somewhere is not talking about him right now. And there's no excuse for that. Pick: Houston

Cleveland at Denver

Aaron: I'm beginning to reconsider my "Broncos have already clinched the division, they're due for a letdown" prognostication strategy.  Pick: Denver

Joe: Watch out, Broncos! Don't want to take a jinx-prone winning streak into the playoffs! Start that goldbricking, fellas. Pick: Denver

Chicago at Arizona

Aaron: With their season teetering on the brink, a loss to the 5-9 Cardinals would undoubtedly be the most "Jay Cutler" moment of Jay Cutler's career.  Chicago

Joe: The Cardinals started the season 4-0, you guys. THIS season! THESE Cardinals! Pick: Chicago

NY Giants at Baltimore

Aaron: Both of these once-great defenses are now borderline abominable.  But, it's the Giants who have some serious health concerns with many of QB Eli Manning's weapons banged-up.  I think it's time for the greater New York/New Jersey area to consider the possibility that Manning's social calendar will be WIDE open for the next nine months.  Available for birthday parties!  Pick: Baltimore

Joe: I'd say it's the Ravens who are slightly more likely to go into the ultimate swoon, but there's no one in the AFC waiting to overtake them. BTW, is Ray Rice still a great running back? I'm not being sarcastic -- I honestly don't know. I haven't heard anyone mention him all season. Pick: NY Giants

San Francisco at Seattle

Aaron: The 49ers can be schizophrenic from week to week, while the Seahawks' earlier loss in San Francisco was on a Thursday night as both teams sleepwalked for three hours. It's not exactly an airtight rationale for picking Seattle, but one of these teams has gotta win, I suppose.  Pick: Seattle

Joe: Happy that the Seahawks were able to get those self-esteem-boosting 50-plus-point outings against the Cardinals and Bills in time to be wildly overconfident against the 49ers. Pick: San Francisco